Am I a Monster?

Sometimes, growing up means letting go. Usually, when we hear about letting go, we presume it’s people, or goals—perhaps dreams that may never come true. But more than all of that, growing up means letting go of yourself.

We always take this negatively. I mean, it is negatively charged. It’s hard to equate a positive connotation to the dissipation of oneself and their psyche. But for some people, letting go of the person they’ve known themselves to be is all it takes to lead them to who they want to become.

“Letting go” of yourself is sometimes the biggest step needed to finding yourself.

I still have yet to master that. The art of letting go. Or rather, the art of letting who I’ve grown into wither into someone I’ll probably never be again. Because it’s scary. While I know that eventually, who I am now may come back to me, I fear—more than anything—remaining stagnant. Inconsequential. Just a nook in a cavern.

I’d like to be someone. More than myself, but solely for myself. This isn’t a futile, fleeting sense of self-preservation or enlightenment for the sake of public success or affection. It’s about learning to grow into who I yearn to be without holding myself hostage to who I am now, or who I was in the past.

I am not certain who I’m trying to grow into yet, and that’s what makes the process hard. That’s what turns most people away. It’s what turned me away—and what keeps turning me away. For the umpteenth time since beginning this blog, I present the same old mantra: I will grow, and I will change.

I always promise—through mental notes and written words—that I will soon be better than I am. But it hasn’t happened. And I fear that it may never. Still, I won’t stop trying. I’ve started over a million times. I’ve made no progress, and I’ve made a lot. I know that it’s possible.

In a dark room, a small light is special. It makes you let out a breath, knowing that right there—at the edge of the light—you’re free. But the closer you get, the brighter it grows. Could you honestly admit, then, that you feel no fear? It is a light, but the source is unknown.

Are you walking toward freedom, or edging toward destruction? Will it salvage your life, or further ruin it?