Hooked On a Feeling--But I love It
I wonder how many times my eyes will open this year? How many times will I wake before I die? I mean, what I truly ask is, how many times will I come to a "realization" this year? Because again, I've come to realize that I am truly my own worst enemy. It is not the wind that holds together the dams. It is the laps of the beavers. I am the water. The water that, with a gentle front, pushes. Push for power over generosity--will you give me effort while I hold close my own? Because I've seen how selfish I've become. To expect a pull when all I've done was push... or to expect another to pull when I only want to push. It is like that. How could I expect a call yet never call myself?
Selfish. Selfish because I can't say I never called with reason. Selfish because I only realized it once he said it. Or, once he asked. For once, I wasn't the one in ponderation. I was the one being questioned. He was curious. "So, why didn't you just call me?" And what could I say? Bite my tongue, poke my cheek, and choke--stutter--"Well, you always call..."
Because you always call.
And so he stopped, and I kissed my teeth.
Let's pause for a moment and take a deep breath. Do we see here, how selfish we pose? With gentle arms and narrow hips, we sashay in such a nasty manner. While I sit here and look pretty, you must do the work. That's what I sound like. And it's quite disgusting--and I'm extremely disappointed. I was not raised this way, and what makes this such an epifanÃa is the fact that I find my selfish ways to be present in more than just romantic scenarios. I am just selfish. And at times, a narcissist, too.
This drives me insane. It drives me nuts, like I'm nothing more than a barnacle strapped to the foot of the sea. I believe if I scream at the top of my lungs, all the birds in the trees will hang upside down. I stand in the middle of nothing. Wherever the eagle goes, the eagle must land. I pushed him to fly, but I destructed his path. That is on me.
And particularly smooth, like a honey bee, too, I sincerely wish to apologize. Kiss his eyes, lick his chin, and blow his earlobes. I don't need a friend. I don't need two. I don't need too much attention--because he loves me, and I love him too. I am selfish. I say I will change, but I'm not sure I will. I am selfish. I love him so much, but I can't let myself believe this one true. Because I know, just as well as you know, that I've fallen in love too many times.
