When a man isn't worth it, then he simply isn't worth it

As a writer, and as a reader, I have grown up knowing that love can happen in a short period of time. I have written about it. Actually, I never take my time if I'm writing a romance. Romance was never that worth it to me. Not to write about, anyway. I never thought I'd love someone. And while I don't, I'm so close to that damn feeling that it scares me. This is the one time I will get disgustingly personal, so in depth that I'm definable. But I need to scale this out, to be quite honest. Maybe if I write it this way, I can see where I went wrong--and how these feelings developed in the first place.

And so, this means that I am letting you all in. As I did him--both mentally and physically. I am trusting you guys--the ghosts of a reader that I have. I guess that is the beauty in palpable silence. To have no readers is to have no betrayal. You can't leave me if you aren't here. Well, anyway...

I will be honest, I have been a tinder user for years. While I only ever wanted to use it to make friends (in my shy, idiotic stupor), I have obviously met people that I had more dealings with. None of them ever got serious. Never met most of them, and only willingly slept with two... a year later, I meet this new guy after moving back home. He's handsome. If I hadn't already written the poetry in my journals, I'd have written them upon meeting him. He was perfectly shy and outgoing. He was able to lead the conversation when I fell short, he was sweet, and he was respectful.

This was all weeks before we even met.

When we finally met, again, he was sweet and respectful. At the end of our date, we went on a drive. He didn't open the door for me. I didn't say anything, and maybe I am overreacting, but maybe that was a glimpse at his true character. Or maybe he is not the bad guy in this situation. My expectations are.

After the date he texted me and showered me with adoration. He called me beautiful, said he enjoyed the kiss. Our second "date" was a week later. We were supposed to go out for a drink, but he texted me late. At the time, I rumbled inside at the thought that he'd intentionally done so. That he never wanted to go anywhere. Because we ended up at his place, with the intent of watching nostalgic movies.

Those nostalgic movies turned into a random flick, drowning out the sounds or our salacious acts. I had given it up, but he had been so sweet, and he called me baby, and said that I was his, and that he was mine... so I just thought... I assumed so much. So here it is. Here is where I went wrong. Here is where the tears return, and my eyes fill with an unfamiliar liquid. Because I've cried so much, my tears no longer burn.

But after we did that, he held me so close and tight. He kissed me throughout the night, and he told me so many sweet nothings. And the next week, we did it again, and so did he. He was an angel... but then he changed. I remember the last time I was at his place, I turned my head for a second. He shielded his phone so fast, and my friend said that I was just being nosy and some people don't appreciate that. 

A day later, his tinder profile was updated.

That next morning, he didn't say good morning. He didn't say anything, actually. Like a fool, I did. He said that I seemed mad at him so he was giving me space. I kissed that assumption. I was not mad, I was tired. I told him to kiss me. He did.

He stopped texting me after that, and I haven't stopped crying since.

I guess what disappoints me the most is that I gave myself to him... after a few sweet words. But he isn't the bad guy here. Because he never said that we were together. I was just his in bed. And he was just mine in theory. He promised me nothing more than what he gave me. 

Or maybe, a fling was not his intentions. Maybe he was interested in me and realized he was no longer interested later on. Maybe he didn't like the way that I look in person, or maybe I'm too boring for his liking. Maybe I'm too clingy, or needy, or maybe--he's just one of those guys who are no longer interested when you are.

I can never be too mad at him. He is not to be ridiculed for my delusions. I was crazy, and that just won't happen again. For the first time in three years, I am no longer returning to friendship/dating apps. Even when you have no intentions of dating--gosh, things happen, and it'll only hurt in the end. When you have a life like mine, you should only focus on yourself. I'm unsure why I thought to juggle romantic fallacies atop school and work, but that was my mistake.

I hope that from this day forward, I can grow as a person. To Jack, I'm sorry for whatever I did to turn you off. I only apologize because I can imagine how much of a waste of time that can be to someone who wanted something real. Especially if they weren't initially searching for it. 

Yea, I can imagine... because my time was wasted, too. 

But, I do thank you for your kindness. Though you ghosted me in the end, you never disrespected me, and played a damn good saint. And if you weren't acting, if I truly did do something to push you away--I'm sorry.