A Reflection Upon the Sea: Old and New Testament

I don’t deserve happiness. Not for what I did. As I sit here and cry about what is being done to me, I'm suddenly faced with the aching realization that I did the same thing to another. In the beginning of he and I’s relationship, I knew he was moving too fast for my liking. Although I tried to speak up, I should have persisted upon the notion that I was not being properly understood. But, instead, I decided to carry on with our relationship, attempting to spare his feelings by staying. 

It is apparent how idiotic that seems, now. The same way Jack(ass) is leading me on--though I'm sure unintentionally--holding me at night, kissing me, and calling me his—I did the same thing to my "ex". And even though we didn't physically hold one another, I admit, I gracefully held his heart, and maliciously promised not to break it. That is a betrayal more damning than physical. Jack promised to hold me. He said "I got you," and I melted. But that was nothing more than a lustful, intimate promise of touch. He never promised me love, care, and solace. And I'm glad he didn't--because then I'd have been worse off than I am now. I'd be like... my ex. 

So, I'll accept jack. I’ll accept him and the pain. I’ll accept the late texts. I’ll accept the change in behavior—no more good mornings, no more good nights. He doesn’t even call me baby anymore. He doesn’t check on me, or ask me how I’m doing. And it’s my fault that we never got to see if anything would work between us. I know that I did something wrong. I may not know what, but it’s always me, and so I'll accept it all until I can figure out what is truly wrong with me.

I’ll accept every tear that dealing with Jack brings. Because I don’t deserve love, and I don’t deserve to be happy. I'll accept jack because he accepts me. He may not accept my love, or my friendship, but he accepts my body. The body that I like to be frugal with. The body that I trusted him with. I will accept him because the world won't accept me sleeping with another. Not so soon. Not when I've just slept with him--so I'll accept him. 

At least he can pretend to care. At least he can pretend to be attracted to me. He's a good pretender, and for a woman who has nothing to deserve… that’s a lot.