A Garden for Broken Hearts
The Days Are Long and Filled with Pain
To grow is to forgive. To grow is to accept. But to grow is to never forget—and especially not to allow.
I want so badly to forgive Jack, to say that things are fine between us and go back to how it was. He suddenly reached out today—personally, and through a friend. It’s been what, six months since whatever we began ended? And about four since we last spoke.
What changed his mind?
My mind clouds, and for a moment, I am deluded. It makes me believe, for a second, that he cares. And honestly, that was all I wanted from him in the first place—to have the beautiful connection we’d severed back. But he waited too long to feel bad. He waited too long to apologize. I’ve moved on—though with the new guy I’m seeing, doubts still arise.
For once, this situation is different. It’s hard for different reasons. He lives in another state, and though the distance between us is real, it isn’t great enough to justify how far apart we’ve become. He can communicate more than he chooses to, but he rides on the distance as an excuse not to. We text at odd hours, barely call once a week, and of course, my insecure assumptions are bound to ruin things. I haven’t acted on them yet—haven’t fully expressed my dislike for things like not texting back but being active online. He knows I hate it, but not how much.
I mean, we can’t really talk much being on different schedules. I guess it hurts knowing he has enough energy to open social media, but not enough to send me a message. Furthermore, while he may have been the one to begin the pursuit—stricken by initial attraction—I was the one who pushed to make things official. He wouldn’t even be trying if I hadn’t said anything. And when feelings like this begin their sashay, it’s the only thing on my mind.
I always make time for him—and that’s what scares me. I know myself. I’ve told him—I’m known to detach when the effort isn’t there.
He’s a very adoring man. He gives me compliments and reassures me often. His words are thoughtful and poetic. He is a man, not a boy—yet he hasn’t grown to his full potential. And with this guy back in my life, begging to apologize and make things up to me, I’m scared I’ll croak. Because this new man—I need him to need me just as much. It just doesn’t feel that way, and it seems selfish to speak about it. He isn’t obligated to offer me his free time. Just because I do it doesn’t mean he has to. But still, it hurts, and I don’t want to do anything stupid out of anger or insecurity.
I know I’ll end up hearing Jack out. I know I’ll betray the man I’m seeing in ways I promised not to. But, all in all, Jack had my heart. I never thought I’d hear from him again. For a split second, all he had to offer was all that Beau lacked. I was always on his mind; he always talked to me and gave me what I craved. I never had to doubt him—until that one night he gave me a reason to, pulling his phone away from my view and updating his Tinder profile, if I remember correctly, less than twenty-four hours later.
Beau would never, from what I’ve gathered, do that to me. In all honesty, he’s almost perfect. Almost. His fingers buried in his phone dock points. Because how are you always using your communication device—but not communicating with me?
Do you see how quickly things can change? Just as fast as they grow, they can explode. And I didn’t think they would—but they did.
Because I chose Jack. I chose him, and in only ten days, I lost him. He was serious when he said he’d come back to win me over. He was serious, within those ten days, when he said he loved me. He meant it—and I let my insecurities run us wild. Because I didn’t trust him, I let the passion we’d rebuilt rust, and it all crumbled when he crept into my phone while I slept.
It’s over. And with Beau, too—I’ll still leave him as well.
I won’t let myself cry over this too much. I don’t deserve to. I say this often, but I’ve truly become the kind of woman I’ve always hated. The most I can do now—though I’ll never be able to mend the hearts I’ve torn apart—is change. These words, too, I’ve said before. But this time, I think I mean it. Mentally and physically, I will strengthen and flex myself. My words will substantiate. They’ll become more than matter.
