Refrain and Refine...

Have you ever done something you knew you weren't supposed to--like crossing the street when you didn't press the crosswalk button, or taking a handful of candy when it clearly says, "Please take one!", or telling a friend that a friend told you that a friend told them blase blah?

Or, have you desperately tried to push away the only person you don't ever want to lose? Because I have. I am. I wish it was something easy to explain, but it isn't. It sucks. I'm not sure how I expect to ever be understood when I can barely grasp my own thoughts and choices.

I constantly ask myself why I am the way that I am. Why I'd choose to lose the best parts of me in order to conceal the worst. It's hard flaunting your flaws. You don't want them to sneer at you, to judge you--or to leave. But when someone truly cares for you, and when they genuinely love you, they want and expect to see those things. They can't understand you if they don't know you, and that's something I'm still trying to teach myself.

It's a lot easier letting people go than letting them see the bad parts of me. Because should they leave because I'm not complacent, it'll hurt a lot less than if they leave because they just don't like the hidden parts of me.

I'm a person who needs to grow. I'm working on it, but I always find a way to push myself back--or in better words, to push the one that I love away. These feelings are new to me, and I don't want to excuse my jejune ways--but I'm so lost. I'm lost on love, and that's scary. One thing that I've always assumed to be easy was loving. I know how I want to be loved, but it's much harder reciprocating than I thought, because we all want to be loved in different ways.

I've been making dumb decisions.