We're All a Little Deserving of Love
No one has given me the opportunity to fall in love. With that said, I don't know how to explain the things that I feel without describing it as love. I have been infatuated with many before. Obsessed because they showed an interest in me, obsessed because they didn't. Obsessed because they were attractive, and even obsessed if they weren't .I have wanted people who didn't want me, and I've wanted people who were obsessed with me...but somehow, amidst it all...I have yet to fall in love.
I know that this probably contradicts a lot of the things that I have said before, but I had to take a moment to study myself, what I want, and what my end goal is with whoever I thought I loved. I have only ever fallen victim to a phantom romance once. I've posted about it here (Removed 12.31.24). Actually, any post regarding love refers to the same person. My end goal with this person was something that I couldn't even imagine. There was no end goal. I didn't see marriage, or a relationship. I just saw our salacious acts happening until...they just didn't.
And that's when I realized I didn't love the guy. I liked him as a friend, and we had our fun for months, so it was so easy to make myself believe that I was in love with him. But, to be honest, I was in love with the thought of falling in love. Everyone's said that it's easy, but as I sit here now, I know that it isn't. A part of the reason I wanted to love him had a bit to do with a little bit of everything. He showed an interest in me, which isn't common and has never been. He talked to me when I needed someone to talk to, and would take me on drives when I didn't want to be at home. All of his kind acts stopped abruptly one day, and I think that that's when I wanted to love him. I guess I thought that if I loved him, he would love me, and I would get that friendship back.
I've come to realize that our friendship is what I loved and valued, not the guy himself. There's often a misconception that deep and genuine feelings towards someone must automatically be love. I don't like that misconception.
As I reread this, I see that my feelings may be confusing. I've always been alien to my own feelings and emotions, but I've grown to accept them. It may not make sense to most, but that's okay. If I can't understand myself, I don't really expect anyone else to.
