Out of sight, Plagues the mind
Have your fingers ever itched for something you've never felt before? And your nose twitched for something you've never smelled before? Have you ever salivated over a taste unknown to the man of your buds, or yearned to see something you never have before? There's a lot of things alien to me, and right now, it's this feeling that has swarmed in my stomach for the past week, stinging me every time I hear something, see something, feel something, or smell something. It's the feeling of a lost memory. The taunt of nostalgia for something I'm not sure ever happened. It's frustrating, and it's sad at the same time.
I wonder what memory could be scratching at my mind. Is it a good one, one that begs not to be forgotten? Or is it an unpleasant one fighting to stay away? Something about this nostalgia hurts. It burns my nose and plucks my eyes with something spicy. It makes me want to cry.
I’m not sure if I’ve said this before, but I never usually cried. Of course, as a kid, I cried for attention or when someone yelled at me, but those instances don’t count. Ever since I became the governor of my own emotions, I hadn’t truly felt any. I didn’t cry in situations where I should have. I was never sad. I was neutral or happy 24/7.
That was until I came to college a few years ago. Now I cry at the smallest things. A cat video? I cry. A romantic movie? I cry. A show where the main character finds out that his missing twin sister from 18 years ago was murdered? I lose it! While none of these reasons are abnormal, they’re just not familiar to me. I used to watch endless videos without shedding a tear. For a while, "Schindler’s List" and "Remember Me" were the only movies to make me cry.
I cry over things I’ll never see, a person I yearn to be, and memories I can’t seem to remember. I cry over a life I want to live so badly but am certain I’ll never get the chance to.
I wonder what it would take for me to become the person I wish to be. Would it take money? More drive? Motivation? Is it unattainable for me? For someone like me at this stage of my life? Do any of the factors in my current life fit into even the smallest part of the life I want?
These are the questions I face. I want answers to them so badly. But giving up is always the easiest choice.
